Don't F*ck with D1sn3y

Remember my last post about how lovely my D1sney day was going? Woodland creatures coming out of the...ummm...well not woodwork, but actual woods to greet me as I was walking my dogs? Let's just forget I said anything. Clearly, the iron Eisner fist is still ruling & the message is clear:

if you take naked pictures of yourself & post them on the internet, DO NOT fuck with D1sney!

Lest you think I'm paranoid & am gazing out at my monitor from beneath a tinfoil hat, let me tell you what happened after posting that sunshine-y blog entry. Around midnight I got the dogs leashed up & headed outside for their bedtime walk. I do this every day, usually twice a day. There is a large courtyard behind my house which my neighbors' yards & fences back onto. No traffic, a little footpath & perfect for brief, down to business dog walking.

We head out as usual & after just stepping onto the path both of my pooches take interest in something a few feet off the path near my neighbor's fence. They're not barking, but they darted towards this area with an intensity unlike their usual wander around & sniff routine. I can't quite see what it is but assume it's my neighbor's cat (the friendliest sweetest cat I've met to date) & so I yell at them to "get outta there! C'mon!"

Then I see something much bigger than my neighbor's cat. Squinting in the dark, I notice strange white vertical stripes. Two seconds later I realize it's not big, it just has its tail up because it's a motherfucking skunk & it's spraying me!

I run down the path (cursing) & loop back to the house. The dogs don't seem bothered at all, but I touch Kiero's back & she's got a very light oily coating. fuck fuck fuck.

I don't usually mind that skunk smell when you drive past in your car & catch a whiff. I remember having a Scratch & Sniff sticker of a skunk when I was a kid & quite liked it. But up close? That smell is wayyyyy different. I couldn't smell it on my body or my clothes, but I could taste it. If it got in my mouth, the rest of me must've been reeking!

I ran us all back inside & hopped in the shower. After a thorough shampooing, I hopped out, dried off the dogs & started to get ready for bed. But I couldn't get that horrible taste out of my mouth. I threw all of my clothes plus the towels in the washing machine. I searched on the internet for ways to get rid of skunk smell. I could still catch whiffs of it everywhere & my bedroom was especially bad since that's where I went first & took off my clothes. We had stunk up the whole house! I found some helpful advice (put out a big bowl of vinegar to soak up the smell), but realized that me & the dogs still stunk. I had to resort to the old wives' tale - tomato juice bath.



The dogs were NOT impressed. Two baths in one day? Yuck! But between the tomato juice & the vinegar, the house was much improved the next day. Still no idea where a skunk came from, but I got the point - no more D1sney references from this girl.

Cam Show Hiatus

It's official. I have finally succumbed to the painfully obvious reality that trying to deal with my life as it stands (aka Disaster Central) is not conducive to keeping a regular cam show schedule. My weekly shows are going on temporary hiatus.

I know, I know...the recent cancellations have made this as obvious as Paris Hilton's natural talents. I keep hitting "Skip Show" instead of removing myself from the schedule completely, holding onto the thread of hope that surely (surely!) by *next* week things will have calmed down & I'll have a home base where I can set up my cam computer. Instead, tonight I'm going to be packing & moving stuff out of the way so that the reno guys can replace a window tomorrow morning & hopefully finish my front steps sometime this week. Last week was the back deck & the concrete all around my house in the "common areas" of the complex. It was a toss up, but I decided to go with opening my windows & suffering the probably toxic stench of whatever industrial sealant they were coating the concrete with instead of keeping 'em closed & turning Disaster Central into a summer sauna. It didn't cool things down much, but I did get a strong craving for nachos.

What I'm really craving is getting settled. I still don't know where I'm moving to & I was supposed to have my house already sold by now. I'm still weeks away from having it in any condition to be listed. The Crazy Stressed Out Bitch Alert System is currently set at magenta. This equates to:
> not sleeping
> feeling sick to my stomach every single day
> exacerbating the whole intestinal affair with mocha lattes since
> I can't stay alert long enough to, oh I don't know...prevent myself from driving off the road while hauling boxes up to my storage unit?


I feel like this guy:



Technically I have been taking crazy pills in the form of generic OTC "sleep aid", but they don't help. It still takes me several hours to fall asleep (4 a.m. was the earliest this week) & then I'm groggy for half the morning. Last night I decided to try resetting my clock completely & instead of aiming for sleep, I just stayed up reading until it was daylight & then moved to the couch to finish my book. So far, so good!

I hit the farmers market early this morning, but my perogy guy was already sold out. Blast! Apparently a flock of earlier birds will be enjoying a supper of cottage cheese & dill perogies hand-lovingly formed by an authentic Ukranian baba who holds the exclusive domain of the city's perogy market, yet refuses to increase her supply to cater to the demand of the market-goers who dally & don't line up at first light. This isn't communist Russia, for Petr's sake! Selling out of your best wares in the first 45 minutes each Sunday & then trying to hock your last 2 containers of borscht for the remaining 5 hours of market time is hardly going to help you fit in with the rest of the Johnny CapitalistSeed vendors. Verrückt!

My day improved markedly, however, once I hit the dog park. I felt like all the animals were coming to greet me like something out of a Disney movie. As we trotted along the winding trails through the now lush & overgrown forest, I saw a bunch of critters (a Blue Jay, squirrels etc.) & they all seemed to stop what they were doing & look at me. So I stopped & looked at them. The forest was actively campaigning for me to stop & smell the flowers. It's possible I was hallucinating from lack of sleep, but it was the first moment that I've felt calm in weeks. Of course my peaceful Sunday was shattered by the irritating phone messages waiting when I got back to remind me of the meetings I need to attend this week & the paperwork I need to have ready.

One day my prince will come. And he will be driving a U-Haul.

Nascar Noob

I went to see the new Will Ferrell movie, Talladega Nights: the Ballad of Ricky Bobby last night & laughed my ass off. I really don't get the appeal of Nascar, but the movie was funny & perfect for a summer night of popcorn munching in the dark. I took my nephews to see the Nascar movie at IMAX a few weeks ago. It was interesting, but still...I don't get it. They just drive around in circles, people! How can this sport captivate audiences larger than the population of Canada???

I guess it would be kind of fun to see first person how fast these cars actually go as they whizz past your seat in the stands, but surely that must lose its cache after a few laps. So what to do during the next 495 laps? Drink beer? Flash your boobs? Hope for a crash? I'll take hockey any day.

I should note (before I get a pile of "NASCAR RULZZZZZ!" emails) that I do have huge respect for the drivers. Regardless of the fact that you can't really tell on TV, they are going incredible speeds & also in very close proximity to each other. The pressure of knowing any little error will result in a major crash would be insane. Holding that focus for 500 laps is unfathomable to my ADD brain. Like in every sport, physical skill & natural talent only gets you so far - the mental determination is what's needed to reach the upper echelon of sport greatness. (See: Phil Mickelson)

Now the one question neither the IMAX documentary nor Ricky Bobby answered for me (and the first question I asked my 7 year old nephew upon leaving the theatre) is: how do they go to the bathroom?

Happy to be Home

I'm so glad to be back home & able to sit at my computer with some privacy. I'm used to spending so much time at my desk either working on my site or chatting on forums, reading blogs that I don't realize how much of that kind of "quiet time" I need. Constantly having other people around, even family members that I love, is exhausting! I'm so glad to be back & will be posting lots of new pictures for my members over at Barefoot Kristy.com.

But first, a little about my trip to Miami:

1) The Madonna concert rocked! It was so hot in the arena that I was pouring sweat, but I kept dancing anyway. You know how women get beads of perspiration in their cleavage (which I affectionately dub "boob sweat")? I could feel the drops of sweat rolling all the way down my stomach. I stepped outside after the concert euphoric from finally seeing one of my childhood idols live & the clouds burst dumping warm, wet rain on my sweaty body. It was perfect.



2) I love the ocean. Not such a fan of the sun though. It's been weeks now & my burned bum is still showing signs of trauma. WARNING: Don't forget to put sunscreen on your ass if you're going to snorkel! I did have a great time & got to see a sea turtle & a nurse shark, so a little bum burn was well worth it for the experience.



3) I caught my first fish! That may not be completely true as I do recall going on camping trips with my family when I was a kid, but the only fish I ever remember catching were the ones I scooped up in my net right off the dock. This was my first time catching a fish that was bigger than a minnow plus my first time fishing in the ocean plus my first time baiting my own hook. I was such a squealy girl at the start, but after an hour or so I had no problem grabbing a bloody fish head to bait my hook. I was the only girl on the boat & had lots of willing helpers including three very sweet (and cute!) guys who had come down from Orlando, but I was proud of being able to do everything on my own. The captain was laughing at me a few hours into the trip when he noticed a big smear of fish blood across my forehead, Lord of the Flies style. No girlie girl here! Though the captain did use me as an example when talking about hauling a shark into the boat - he said if anyone caught a shark to leave it dangling off the rod until he came over himself to handle cutting it loose. Just letting it flop around inside the boat was liable to get a girl's red painted toes chomped off! lol



I caught 5 or 6 fish and 3 of those were keepers - a grunt & mangrove snappers. After the captain cleaned my fish for me, I went home with some good sized fillets & got the restaurant in my hotel to cook 'em up for me. Blackened with a little mango chutney...yum!

Reno City

The painters have been here all week & did what looks like it'll be a great job when I finish cleaning all the white dust off of every surface & everything I own. What's the point of draping my furniture to protect it from paint splatter when the messiest part of the job comes from sanding down the walls after a spackle attack?

I've been sneezing like crazy & after the condo board sent me a letter informing me that contractors would be arriving today to start work on replacing my windows, I need to escape. My computer desk is pushed away from the walls (along with everything else I own) in a giant pile which is making internet access slightly difficult. I can't wait until everything is finished (baseboard guy? where are you???) & I can get back to living like a normal person.

In the meantime, I'm going to go visit my grandma for a few days. She didn't come to the big family trip in Banff last month & I know she gets lonely. Some home cooking sounds perfect right about now. You know you've been eating fast food too much when the McDonald's deli sandwiches actually start tasting good! lol

My grandma doesn't have internet access (surprise!) but I'm going to bring my laptop anyways just in case I can find a wifi connection that isn't locked down. Next week I'll be back, the contractors should be gone & we can get back to our regularly raunchy schedule. =)